My life has changed quite a lot recently. As I turned 19 couple days ago, I looked back at my life, realizing how multifarious it has been so far. Challenges I have faced, mistakes I have made, little love affairs I have experienced, people coming to my life and then leaving it, people staying forever in my heart… these stuff just made me become stronger and made me the way I am today…
Recently, an appearance of a very interesting person has changed my life drastically. Looking at him for the first time, there was pretty much nothing that would attract my attention. He was one of the most normal, though very successful man at his middle age I have met in my life. He was just as good as he could be in what he was doing and his life seemed to be very colorful and trouble-free: lots of travelling, lots of friends, lots of money, lots of whatever a person wanted and needed to have for his life… Seemed like he was one of those conservative gentlemen in the process of searching for a woman of their live and then later building a family. Nothing for me; but as a person - he had gained a huge respect from me for what he was doing and the way he was doing it. Simply: a professional in his own field.
We started hanging out pretty often, but irregularly. He was like a friend to me, somebody I had a respect for, an idol, somebody who was older, smarter and more experienced. We talked about everything; my career, my life, my family, my friends… and he was always the one coming up with recommendations and suggestions. His opinions mattered to me a lot, I believed in him, in a strong person that had gone through too many life challenges and experienced a lot. He made me become more confident in what I was doing, the way I was doing it and made me think more deeply. And while we were hanging out that much often, something just came across our way. We both started to realize we were attracted to each other, maybe not that much physically, but there was something invisible that was binding us together like a pair, even though it was obvious we were never going to date each other.
I know that any kind of relationship with him is impossible. With him being 32 and me being 19, it sounds too crazy. With his position in society being too high that I cannot reach - at least for now - any kind of relationship between both of us is impossible and unacceptable. With the people around us, I know I can never date him. But somehow we both mutually agree on some kind of “secret friendship with benefits” that was awesome… at the beginning.
After a month, I realize how this friendship, instead of making me happy, was literally destroying me inside. I was falling for him even more and could not stop thinking of him. I wanted to stop it, but imaging that I would not feel that kind of feeling when we were kissing anymore made me unable to end this “friendship.” I know exactly what I should do - run away, walk away, blow away from him. But I just can’t. I think this has gone too far, further than it was supposed to. Even though he has done something recently that completely destroyed his perfect image I kept in my mind, I still cannot leave him and this crazy “relationship.” I tried to find somebody else and actually did, but it wasn’t just the same and had to think of him all the time, even though I was with the “other one.” Knowing the other guy is just a “backup” for me, I had to leave him so I would not hurt him.
I’m speechless and helpless. I want to overcome myself, but I just can’t. Maybe I am too weak. But in that case - what can make me become stronger?!

m zakempí :D. Já od této chvíle vyměnila pivo za absinthovou limonádu, kterou podávali za 28 Kč. Absinth (na mysli mám ten starodávný s halucinogenními účinky, ne ta zelená tekutina, co se prodává dnes v obchodech), pomerančový džus, Sprite, sodovka a kousky melounu udělali své – na kanadské
20. dubna je známý téměř po celém světě, obzvlášť v Americe, jako Mezinárodní Den Hulení. Jako “420″ [:four-twenty:] (v USA se datum zapisuje v pořadí měsíc/den/rok) se rozumí automaticky kouření marihuany. Údajně to začalo v roce 1971, kdy si skupina školou povinných z Kalifornie pravidelně dávala spicha po škole v 16:20 (čili 4:20 PM) a pokuřovala trávu. Čas 4:20 PM studenti zvolili, jelikož právě v tuto dobu jejich škola propouštěla ty, co museli zůstat po škole za trest, domů (více na